Dam!!!

[UnsteadyTeddy]

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by
the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of
Michigan.
This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter
before you get to the response letter.


SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023;
T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of
Environmental Quality that there has been recent
unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel
of property. You have been certified as the legal
landowner and/or contractor who did the following
unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris
dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must
be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A
review of the Department's files show that no permits
have been issued.

Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity
is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the
Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act
451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101
to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the
dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris
and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams
of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be
permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease
and desist all activities at this location, and to restore
the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood
and brush forming the dams from the stream channel.

All restoration work shall be completed no later than
January 31, 2003. Please notify this office when
the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site
inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply
with this request or any further unauthorized activity on
the site may result in this case being referred for elevated
enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in
this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if
you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price District Representative
Land and Water Management Division

------------------------------------------------
** This is the actual response sent back: **

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N;
R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me
to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor
at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in
the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and
maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream
of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor
supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly
offended that you call their skillful use of natures building
materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department
to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any
place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way
you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness,
their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam
determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware
that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of
this type of dam activity. My first dam question to you is:

(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond
Beavers or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to
conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating
against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of
Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other
applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps
we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland
Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental
Protection Act, Act451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections
324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws,
annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is... aren't the
beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond
Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said
representation, so the State will have to provide them with a
dam lawyer.

The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the
dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof
that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is
required to protect. In other words, we should leave the

Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and
calling their dam names.
If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow
condition please contact the beavers, but if you are going to
arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your
dam letter... they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right
to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue,
the grass is green and water flows downstream.

They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy
Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and
Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should
protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment
(Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case
can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right
now. Why wait until 1/31/2003? The Spring Pond Beavers
may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for
you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a
real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is
the bears!

Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely
believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave
the beavers alone.
If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your
step!
(The bears are not careful where they dump!)
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being
unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am
sending this response to your dam office.

Thank You,
Ryan DeVries & The Dam Beavers

[Daniel]

lmao, is this for real?

[Ironbuket]

Thats the funniest thing Ive read in ages

[the_solidshadow]

haha, yeah

[Gflargh!]

dam right

[Chris-3DT]

hahaha, nice use of the homophones dam and damn allthouhg he overdoes it in the end!

[Dr.N]

ROFL thas freaking funny

[lilCara]

lol, that guy's answer is so polite although he is actually making fun of the authorities

I don't really think this is real anyways...

[claWda]

omg is this letter for real?? laughed my ass off! love the part in the end, though yes, he abuses a bit

question is, if this is in fact real, what's their response? plus I actually do think it's real cause who would make up a letter like this anyway? he's talking beavers and dams

[Chris-3DT]

George Orwell is talking pigs and windmills, beavers and dams could just as well be fictional - but does that really matter? it is entertaining regardless of it's origin and purpose

[3dGator]

lol Never thought I'd read such a funny letter! Long Live the Beavers!!

[mr_demon]

lmao, i don't think he overdid it in the end because he wasn't trying to be discrete, he was making a point that the dam environmental office is too dam lazy and too dam full of themselves to realise that no dam human would make a dam out of dam wood debris. he was having a laugh/being really pissed of at the dam points mentioned above, cause it was as if the dam environental office was taking him for a dam moron, so he retaliated dam accordingly. in short - he was taking the dam p1ss

the signature at the bottom was for me the icing on the cake

[LittleFish]

great satire, although it reminds me very little of Orwellian metaphors, but more of an old joke I saw in a book (probably from between 1900 and 1930) about some other guy with a totally unrelated problem... although his correspondence continued for about 10 or 12 pages.

anyway, thank you sincerely for posting.